Archive | January, 2013

New Year, New Me?

12 Jan

I hate this saying. Really, I can’t say that I hate it because I don’t care enough for it. More like, I am utterly confused by this saying. In order to be a new person, you couldn’t have existed before. You have new cars, new shoes, new houses, and newborns. A new you as in a new hairstyle? A new perspective on life? Those I can understand. A new you because you lost weight, not so much.

It is January. Even if you had no concept of time, the bombarding of weight loss commercials would’ve told you. Diet companies increase their budgets each year, but we never see them like we do come January. They make want to punch someone in the face. Seriously.

I had to examine my reasoning for why I can’t stand these commercials and why I can’t stand when dummies say “a new year, a new me”. If I was to ask someone, they would probably respond think:

“She’s jealous because they are doing something to change themselves for the better and she isn’t.”

Or something along those lines. Most wouldn’t dare say it out loud in my face (maybe on twitter or FB to get likes RTs and likes). They would probably say this:

“Oh probably that stuff is a waste of money, you could do better just dieting and exercising on your own.”

Heffa is that what I asked you? The nerve of people to think that I want to lose weight. Seriously.

So I put my thinking cap on. Am I jealous? Do I wish I could hold up a pair of my old pants and cast them to the wind (gone with the wind fabulousity) while revealing my thin self in some skinny jeans? Do I want to put on an old shirt to show how it now fits me like a moo moo? Do I want to show side by side views of me? One being fat and unflattering and the other being slim and made over? Blah. Is it really me just jealous of a woman who has accomplished something so many women set out to do each day and fail miserably?

So I thought about it.

And thought some more.

And thought it again. My conclusion?

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll NO.

I refuse to be jealous of anyone who chooses to relish in “thin privilege”. By thin privilege I mean people congratulating you on no longer being fat, lazy, worthless, lack self-control, unmotivated and unsuccessful. Because that’s what all fat people are right?

I guess the annoyance comes from the ads and attitudes from people who set out to tell me that losing weight and no longer being fat gives them the right to be happy now. As if they couldn’t live life the way they wanted because society told them they were too fat. As if only thin people deserve to travel, have a good job, wear cute clothes, date a hottie, etc.

For one none of those things make you happy. There are people of every size who do the very things mentioned above each day and they are utterly miserable. Why? Because you can’t find happiness in others or “things”. If you were fat and had low self-esteem, then you will be thin or thinner with low self-esteem. (Is that why the majority gain it back and end up yo-yoing for the rest of their lives?)

The worst offense I’ve seen is the Jennifer Hudson commercial. You’ve seen it too. They show a clip of her singing when she was heavier and starting her career. She looks goofy, unpolished, and little unsure. It wasn’t because she was still a novice in her path. Nope. It was because she was fat. Then we see her singing the SAME song as a thin woman who is now polished, mature, and confident. And we’re supposed to believe it’s because she lost weight.

If you or anyone you know believed that or agreed with it, give me all of your money. Just give it to me now, because I have a whole crock pot of shit waiting to sell you.

I don’t think Jennifer Hudson believes this. I think Jennifer saw $$$ and agreed to portray a false image for others to buy into. I’m not gonna demonize her for it because that’s what most superstars do. I will hold her accountable and say that she could’ve really been a positive role model for fat acceptance. Here is a woman who rose to stardom, sold millions, and won an Oscar all while being fat. Yet, her self-confidence was reduced to her weight. *rolls eyes*

That was my discovery. That my real disdain is the fact the people are reducing themselves to a number, on the scales or on their dresses. There is nothing I can relate to there because I KNOW that I am sooooooo much more than what a scale says. I don’t wish to be a size 2 or even a 12 for that matter.  So no I won’t be pressured into thinking that I must be happy for your personal achievement of seeking self-worth through a number or else am I jealous.

Happiness is being content and finding pleasure with who you are now. I can’t tell you how to find it or how to become it, but I can show where it is NOT and seeking approval for your outward appearance will not lead you there.

That is all.

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Why I Started This Blog

1 Jan

The funny this is I don’t know where to start with this post. It’s so much leading up to this. I do feel like I owe anyone who may read this  an explanation of why this blog exists. I promise you I will keep it short, mostly because I don’t feel like going through my life story. It surely wouldn’t make for a good best-seller or even a lifetime movie. My thoughts are MUCH more interesting and that is what I will give you.

I’ve always “struggled” with my weight. I use the word “struggle” loosely, because until the day someone pointed out that my body was not normal aka FAT, I thought I was fine. I’ve never known what it was like to be not fat. Fortunately for me, I would say I had some good friends and some family members who let me know that I was beautiful anyway. It might’ve helped that growing up I could fight, WOULD fight, and I  wouldn’t let anyone talk crazy to me, even teachers. Yeah anger issues.

I think it would be safe to say that I had about as much self-esteem as the next teenage girl. There were things I loved about my body and things I didn’t. How many girls and women do you know that don’t like their bodies as is? Exactly.

So of course, throughout my life every injury, illness, doctor visit, yawn, hiccup, burp, fart, eye roll, belly flop, etc., had to do with my weight or ASSUMED eating patterns. Now what does that tell a person? That if they get their weight down to an acceptable level (for me it’s like 120 or something) that it will solve all their problems. Can you guess the next step for me?

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If you guessed diets, you are smarter than a first grader.

I have on and off dieted since I was 11 years old. 11. Pre-teen. Child. A child has no business being concerned with low calorie, low carb diets. You can disagree, that’s okay. A child should be enjoying childhood. Not obsessing over someone thinking she is fat and an adult reinforcing those thoughts by introducing her to the world of diets. The only thing it does is tell the child they are NOT good enough. That was the start of my pattern.

Throughout the years I would yo-yo diet. Lose weight, gain it back and then some. I would damn near kill myself exercising some days (cardio is evil, but that is another post). Drink water until I felt like a gotdamn Olympic-sized pool. None of it worked. This is the part where most people would blame ME.

“Oh you didn’t stick to it.”

“You have no willpower.”

“You didn’t take it seriously” (This one is highly laughable)

“It’s a lifestyle change, not a fad diet.”

“You failed, not the diet.”

(BTW, they only put these low-carb, low-calorie foolishness out there because they know 90% of the time it will fail. People will continue to spends billions on top of billions for the quest to be thin.)

Inevitably, I did feel like I was a failure. Here I was not only unable to keep my weight down, but gaining more. Something MUST be wrong with me. I must be choosing the wrong foods. These foods are the devil. Evil. I began to label foods into two categories. Good foods and bad foods. Now when I ate the good foods I felt good. Aaaaaand when I ate the bad foods I felt guilty, remorseful, and BAD. No different than what anyone else has picked up from watching TV, reading magazines, and going shopping for clothes and food. That we aren’t good enough unless we look a certain way, make a certain amount of money, wear certain clothes, drive a certain car, have a certain type of apt/house…you get the drift. FIERCE! (blah)

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Fast-forward to 2011. I get knocked up and it’s going to be a girl. Damn.

In my quest to be the best mother ever, I was determined to teach my child how to only eat the GOOD foods. Even though, I will love my daughter and would love her through ANY weight, I didn’t want her to be judged by others because of her weight. She was going to get the start that I didn’t. I bought her organic this and that, no sugar, no meat, watered down juice, aka the good foods. I was more than delighted. *pats self on the back*

Then one day in the not-so-distant past, I had an epiphany: I was teaching my daughter to obsess over food. Health nuts, skinny people, fat people, young people, old people, black, white and everything in between, they ALL obsess over what they put into their mouths. I didn’t want my child to grow up like that. I was doing exactly what I didn’t want her to do, have an unhealthy relationship with food.

But how do I teach my child to do something I have NEVER done? I have been able to retrain my thinking and accept unpopular ideas from religion to politics. I never thought it could be done about my health and the foods I eat. I’ve always accepted that what everyone said was right.  I was fat because I ate the wrong foods and had NO control. Bullshit, diets and unsafe amounts of exercise helped me to ruin a perfect body that was in perfect health. Eff what you think.

Here I sit documenting a journey with body image and food acceptance. I’ve decided to eat what I want to eat and love my body as is. Each day in the shower I tell all of my body parts how much I love them. Even my woman parts (another POST I will revisit). I look at my food and I enjoy it. No longer will I be ashamed that I loooooooooove the way food taste or that I eat something sweet everyday or that I had BBQ two days in a row or that I had chocolate for breakfast. I will now be trusting my body over what someone else says.

pancakes

Mmm, pancakes.

I was fearfully and wonderfully made to be exactly who I was in grade school, high school, college, and who I am today. Dammit I got one life and I already spent the majority of it unable to accept who I was simply because of my weight. Hopefully with each keystroke I will find the strength I need to continue to be an example for my daughter. Maybe someone out there will stumble upon these words and began to question some of the things they were told as well.

Long read? Nonetheless I hope it was a good read and hope you have some understanding of why I decided to share this intimate part of my life. I read somewhere a long time ago, that the key to change is acknowledgement. Admitting you have a problem. Consider this blog my admission. :0